Did Jesus heal the sick?
Or did he simply not see people as sick, but rather chose to focus upon their wellness instead, powerfully inviting them to rejoin their own sense of alignment and well-being?
I don’t really know, ‘cuz I wasn’t there…
But the latter thought resonates much more strongly within me.
This comes up because of a coaching conversation I had the other day. Listening to my friend, she told me through her tears that she was “lost.”
Her words were full of deep despair. In all of our conversations, I’d never heard her so far down the rabbit hole.
I knew she was sharing her feelings with me for one reason: she wanted relief. She wanted to FEEL BETTER. And my job is to facilitate this process the best way I can.
Years earlier in my coaching career, I would have sat back and “held the space” (whatever that means) for her to have her moment, to dwell in the despair she was feeling. That’s what my coach training offered as the “right” approach.
So, I would have let her cry. Feel bad for as long as she needed… And then hope I could soothe her in some small way before our time was up.
I find that I can’t do that anymore.
It just doesn’t feel right. In fact, it feels jumping-out-of-my-skin WRONG to me.
After emphasizing her “lostness” to me again, she asked me what I would do if I were in her situation.
My reply burst out of me with a force equal to her despair.
“I would NEVER fucking let those words come out of my mouth…EVER!”
And I would not. If something does not feel good to say, then it’s never in your best interests to say, no matter how “true” it may be in that moment.
I chose those words (and my tone) to convey that I could only see her as healthy, happy, aligned, and wealthy. Anything else was total, insufferable bullshit. I would not/could not tolerate her continuing to see herself as less that who she really is.
I wondered for a second if I’d crossed a line, but the thought quickly passed. I offered what felt true, and this is what feels most aligned to me.
We got off the phone shortly thereafter. Nothing felt especially resolved. There was no neat little bow to that tied everything up nice and pretty. It was simply time to go.
A few days later, she dropped me an e-mail, thanking me. She told me that my words were among the most helpful she’d ever heard. She wrote that she “felt alive again.”
I share the story not as an attempt to have you confuse me with Jesus (though this occasionally happens at airports and bowling alleys), but rather to make the point that the most powerful thing that you can offer someone else is your alignment.
Not your pity. Not your sympathy. Not your commiseration.
Your alignment.
Of course, in order to do this, it requires you to take charge of your own alignment and to selfishly make how YOU feel your number one priority.
If you’re not aligned, you’re not really helping anyone else as much as you might tell yourself.
(My client did not respond to the words I said. She responded to the way I was seeing her. Looking back to my old coaching style of a decade ago, when I “held the space” for people to tell me how miserable some aspect of their lives were, they would come back and tell me the exact same story during our next session. Nothing ever changed much.)
If you really want to help people (yourself included), remember that what you DO is far less important than how you choose to SEE things.
Choose alignment and you will attract and evoke the best from the people and situations around you.
[widget id=”text-17″]text-17[/widget]
P.S. If you wish to learn more about this concept, consider getting my book, The Very Cool Life Code. This topic falls under Key #5 of the code, “Act From Alignment.” Or better yet, come meet me in person to discuss the concept live in Burlington, Vermont for my next U.P.G.R.A.D.E. weekend!
Powerful story, Drew. Thanks. I’m in a similar place now with a friend who is determined to see the worst in a situation she’s living through. She’s always been a glass-half-empty kind of person, and she’s really down a deep hole right now. Last time we talked about her despair (at a different situation) I offered the thought that she was choosing to focus on the negative, and that I have learned that focusing my attention on the good parts of something invariably improves the situation for me. Her response was an off-the-charts push-back, and she has referred to my comment a nunber of times since, always in a sarcastic manner. As in, “And just thinking good things about isn’t going to make it better.” We’re due to have lunch in a week or so, and I was actually thinking about it this morning, wondering how best to be with her during this difficult time, in a way that both honors my feelings and doesn’t bruise her feelings even further.
thanks, Joan…
here’s something in the same vein that i learned about pushback. gotten lots of it through the years (but not in the above story).
when i offer something and there is pushback, it’s reflecting my own mis-alignment somewhere. could be i am tentative or concerned with their response, etc…
another point, if you’re really feeling good and talking to someone else who is really feeling bad and you are saying things that should sound really good, there is no way they will be able to hear you… too far apart on the scale!
while i live my life in line with these principles that i write about, i find that it’s better if i do not talk about them with MOST people. like speaking Chinese…
thanks again,
d
@Drew: Thanks, Drew. Yes…it does feel like speaking Chinese sometimes. And, it did occur to me that how I am with a friend is often very different from how I would be with a client, so I will stay with that knowledge and see where it leads. If how I’m living in alignment draws someone else in and they are open and ask for help, then is the right time to share fully.
Thanks for sharing the experience! You are spot on in my book. In my experience, every sharing of a contrasting situation is coming from a place of desire for relief. Kudos to anyone who is able to step up to the plate and offer that relief in whatever form, even tough love, rather than commiserate.
More and more, I find myself, with my clients and in my personal life, unwilling to ‘go there’ with the person sharing. It benefits no one.
Thanks again!
Matt
thanks, Matt. i like your line that it benefits no one. my whole point in a few words! 🙂
Thanks Drew and to your friend as well, good to be reminded!!
WOW! Did I ever need to hear that right now! THANK YOU! Your posts almost always resonate with me in one way or another – but this one “slapped me upside the head” (as we would say in Maine)!
Its so easy to get caught up in a loop of whining about what we don’t want…and there are lots of folks perfectly happy to be co-commiserators. I’m so done with that.
Thanks for the not-so-gentle reminder!
Drew,
Your approach wouldn’t work for me. But neither would the way you described that you used to coach.
I have found that we all need to be heard and known. If I don’t meet those needs, then my client stays stuck. But when I do, then my client moves forward (let me add that pitying, sympathizing with, and commiserating with my client do NOT meet those needs).
That’s an oversimplification. There’s a lot more to how I coach than that, but it is an important piece.
I think it would be very interesting to watch for how long your friend’s feeling of aliveness lasts.
Tom
@Tom Robinson: I would offer that alignment works for everyone.
As for your perspective lining up with mine, it’s clear where we diverge, no?
Your focus is on chronic illness.
My focus is on chronic wellness.
I think your are right on with this post Drew and I laughed out load when you shared your reaction to your client sobbing about being lost.
I feel the same way! Why spend time basking in that energy! As Abraham would say- your beating the drum of what you don’t want! I encourage my clients to focus on what they want to experience and how they want it to be. It feels better and moves you in the right direction.
I will acknowledge that this is something that I’ve been working on in my life. Part of me thinks it is important to acknowledge that the energy is there, but I never want focus on it. What do you think about this?
Is it better to feel into the core of this energy and let it pass or do you immediately shift your focus and pretend that it isn’t there?
Rock on!
Leah
SALUD! Bullseye…Congrats on another great insight!
Wow – using the F bomb with a client. Now that’s authentic & raw! Coolness indeed Drew.