Today’s a cold and rainy day.
On the bright side, the rain is greening up the world outside my window in an Ireland sorta way. April showers and all that…
This afternoon I attended the funeral services for my godfather who passed at the age of 96. He was really more like the grandfather I never had; a wonderful man who showed me a lot of love as a little boy. I am very lucky to have had him and his lovely wife in my life.
A priest said a few words at the funeral parlor. He did a fine job, but listening to his words stirred up lots of old feelings for me.
I was raised a Catholic, but when I left for college I fell out of the habit of attending mass every Sunday.
The truth is, habit was the only reason I ever went to church.
I NEVER felt comfortable in the Catholic church.
Sometime around first grade (6 years old?) I had to make my first confession. For non-Catholics, this means I had to go into a dark little room and tell the priest who was hiding behind a screen how I had sinned against God.
I was terrified by the whole idea of confession. I did not like thinking of myself as a sinner, as someone bad. Up until that time, I thought I was just a little boy. And a pretty good one at that…
Filled with anxiety over the future of my soul, I couldn’t sleep for the week before I was to repent. To further add to my stress, I had trouble thinking of what I had done to sin in the eyes of God in my six wild and careless years of life.
Um, sure, I had yelled at my sister and did not always do as my parents told me, but I wasn’t sure if this was going to make the grade with the priest. The old guy scared the pants off me (not literally) and I wasn’t taking any chances and getting into bigger trouble by not coming through with a bona fide sin.
So when I closed the door in the dark little booth, what did I do?
I lied, of course.
Stealing a scene from a movie, I told the priest I broke a neighbor’s window with a baseball and ran away. As best I could tell, the priest bought it.
Grounded in fear, my relationship with the church was built on a rocky foundation. As the fear-based messages continued to roll in during my adolescence, ("If you keep listening to that devil music, you can expect eternal damnation"), any connections I felt disintegrated.
I was reminded of all of this today when the priest began to talk about how when our time comes, God will be waiting there like a shepard tending his flock and sorting through his sheep. God will lay his judgment down upon us and separate us into the GOOD and the BAD.
As I listened, I felt that same pit in my stomach that I felt as I waited to confess my sins for the first time.
This. Just. Feels. Wrong. To. Me.
Well said. It makes me feel sick too. Religion is fundamentally evil.
hi Martin —
i don’t profess to know whether religion is evil or not(would make for an interesting debate question), i was just sharing an experience.
i’ll tell you this though, mention religion or politics on your blog and people have strong feelings!
🙂
d
Martin—Don’t be so freakin’ radical. Yes, the Catholic faith still has that element of guilt associated with it. And yes the church has/had serious problems. And yes we, (our generation) grew up in a time when the church was very harsh in its views and opinions. I remember, and Drew might to because he was in the same church school class as me, Father Severson telling us we would go to hell if we listened to John Denver because John Denver was an admitted pot smoker. There were also times when, as a teenager, I walked out of church because the sermon was about money. Today’s church is much different. I have had two daughters go through first reconciliation and there was no pressure. They were well coached as to what to say and the taught symbolism behind the process. Father is a person they are familiar with and they were made to feel very comfortable. Church teachings have also changed. Where church school used to be taught by old ladies or nuns it is now taught by us 30 somethings. Usually they are teachers by profession or at least educated, professional members of the community. The purpose of church school in the past was to inform you of how bad a sinner you were. That purpose has changed. The goal is to teach children to act like Jesus did—to be loving, caring, understanding and accepting. If you view teaching children to be loving, caring, understanding, and accepting as bad thing then you are right—The church is evil. Go to mass. Give it a try again. You just might leave feeling good about yourself. Whole.
Drew, Maybe your next blog will be titled “That’s why I returned”
Lap —
First, John Denver smoked pot??? 🙂
I like your point that you feel whole when you walk out of church. I think that’s the feeling most everyone wants. That’s our essential nature and whatever we need to remember/return to that state is a positive thing.
Listening to that priest the other day just brought up lots of old memories. He said the same things in the same way and I just found listening to him that I felt viscerally uneasy with his judgment/fear based messages. Perhaps the church has changed, but that was not my experience this day. The priest seemed like a very nice man, but sitting there, I wondered if he really believed what he was saying.
For the record, I feel very connected to a higher power and a sense of spirituality. For me, it does not lie in those cold, dark buildings and I do not resonate with lots of the standard teachings (I do not think of God as a man or anything to do with the human form).
If other people feel great there, more power to them. But I think that’s an important question for people to ask themselves, whatever their faith — does your practice make you feel great/full of joy? Or is it a habit or a “should”?
* * *
And since we did go to church school together, I’ll share the moment I hit my threshold. We were sitting in church and the priest started naming off artists/music that was unacceptable. On the list was that radical, Billy Joel (“You Catholic girls start much too late”) and the Beatles. The funny thing was, when I opened the church booklet for the songs to sing on Sunday, Let it Be was in the rotation.
In regards to “I’ll share the moment I hit my threshold.”
I remember it like it was yesterday. Again it was Father Severson giving this “special” program for young people. I think his message had the opposite effect it was intended for. It drove you away. It made me cynical. I remember even my parents thinking he was ridiculous. Anyway, shortly there after Father Severson was “reassigned” within the church. He became the pastor of Great Meadows Correction Facility. A job appereantly he was better suited for. He died there. Like any profession, there are good priest and there a bad priest. I know your father had a close relationship with Father Barry. I remember Father Barry fighting back the tears at mass when he announced that your dad was ill. I’ve never seen a priest do that before. Your dad counted to him. We all counted to him. The current pastor, athough he tries to be good with the kids when forced neither has the time or inclination to know who you are. Some people go from church to church to find a priest that they, to steal a term from you, resonate with. There are great priests out there, intellectuals, who preach love, who find a meaning for hope in gospels that may on the surface be gloomy. On a side note–A bit on the hung-over side today!!!! Had a good time!!!
Hey –
If this is Lap of the “victory lap” legend…what I remember most about church school is the bus picking us up at Maple St. during the school day and then watching Lap entertain for the drive down to Main St. -still can’t listen to “Another One Bites the Dust” without stirring up those memories….and as for church, well, for me it’s the comfort, culture and traditions that give me comfort -but it has nothing much to do with my spirituality and relationship with God.
Bean
Well, as someone who is out of the New York circle of Catholics, I grew up catholic and fell out of the church when I began my spiritual journey and finding a Very Cool Life! I really didn’t know much about doctrine of the church (Didn’t pay attention in CCD). I attended through my 30’s because I knew I liked the spiritual aspect of prayer and connection to God and it was familiar. I quit going to confession (Teens) when I realized I didn’t need a intermediary, between God and myself.
My moment came when I realized God was all Good, and that everything is all Good. Reading “Conversations with God” by Neale Donald Walsch helped me realize this belief. I could no longer believe I was a sinner or anyone else for that matter. I also believe if God is all Good, he does not judge, which surely shots down most religions.
I did find that I needed a spiritual community, because I like to be around other link-minded people (which is why I hang around this site) I have found a church called Unity (www.unityingreensboro.org) which claims not to be religious but spiritual. They are based on 5 principles:
There is only one ultimate power in the Universe. That power is God and its nature is absolute, unchanging Good.
Human Beings were created from absolute good and so our inherent nature is also good.
Our thoughts are our creative power. Whatever we persistently focus our thoughts and feelings upon manifests in our lives.
Prayer and meditation are essential elements of the spiritual life because they focus our thoughts on our oneness with God and all of creation.
Its not enough to know the Truth, we must put that Truth into action in our lives. We must Live the Truth we know.
Even though I attend a “Church” I still understand it is my Truth and no one elses.
I too was raised a Catholic and had to go to an all girls catholic convent school and was forced to go to mass every Sunday even if we’d had mass on Weds at school. By the age of 13 I realised how one sided it was as a religion. Jesus was born a Jew so he was jewish, so how come Irish Catholics thought he was a catholic? Just one of the many questions that went through my head. I started looking outside and by the age of 15 was seeing a medium and that started a long personal quest of learning about true spirituality and world religions. My religion gave me nothing but fear and guilt and a whole load of problems, walking away from it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I love churches however, I love the smell of candle wax and incense and the hushed splendour of the sacred temples that they are – but that is when they are empty and there are no services going on!
Hey Drew,
I just now read your “why you left” organized (Catholic in particular) religion piece. I totally related to your story. When I made my first confession at 7 (53 years ago!), I remember feeling scared, alone, fearful of what was going to happen. After providing the priest with what I thought were probably sins (albeit, venial), he gave me a fairly long penance–for a 7 year old. To this day I can still SEE myself kneeling at the altar, saying my penance, and realizing it was very quiet. I turned around, and saw that I was all alone..the only child left. I thought I must have really deserved that long penance since I was the only one left–at least that’s how it looked to me. I’ll never forget that (unfortunately). This for the very typical things little kids do way back then. Like you, I must have done a great job convincing the priest that I was a bad girl.
Wow this is amazing! I’m of Haitian decent and if anyone know anything about Haitians you would know that 85% are of catholic faith. My issue w/ the church was that during confession why could I not talk to God myself, I mean wasn’t our relationship w/ Him personal/private? why did I need a mediator? then when I did confess_ I always lied (the priest did not need to know about my shananigans) I was always told to say so many Hail Mary’s, funny thing is after confession I would sit in the front pew facing a banner that stated “I am the only way to the Father”(quoted by Jesus) but yet in confession you have me praying to Mary to talk to Jesus for me and then Jesus would talk to God for me!!! what the…, and mind you this all took place in the 1st grade at St. Kevins in Boston,Mass.! If I did not comply w/ confession I was sent to the office to be spanked by a nun (w/ my parents permission), so I was punished for questioning this whole catholic belief system which was derived as a way for the Romans to control ppl! Confession was only for the elite,and was strategically designed to bribe them, I could go on and on but it’s not good energy right now, too many emotions stirring up!