Drew Rozell, Ph.D.

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Alice in Chains day

November 26, 2007 drewrozell 3 Comments

It’s raining out.

Pissing rain, to be more precise.

Overcast. Cold. Rainy.

Gray.

My mood and my energy level reflect the scene outside my window.

aic.jpg

Things start with promise. I wake early, feed the dogs and cats, fix my coffee/cocoa/maple syrup blend (try it), and hop on my computer to finish up my book proposal.

The words come out for a while.

Then I start to feel stoned. Like I cannot think straight. Or wake up.

I do jumping jacks. I drink a "green drink" for a boost of energy. I slap myself in the face a few times. Nothing makes a difference. I just ain’t got no juice today, it seems.

The more I fight against it, the more I push against this wall that won’t budge, the further I descend. So I’m going to stop pushing. The very idea brings up some weird feelings. Like not pushing is dangerous in a way. Things will fall apart if I’m not DOING something. I’ll never get where I’m supposed to be if I don’t finish this proposal… and on. And on.

Enough.

I try to remember the last time I felt this way.

This certainly wasn’t the last time, but it’s what I remember right now.

I live in Seattle. It’s November, just before Thanksgiving. The day is overcast. Rainy. Cold. Gray. I am driving home from the grocery store. Alice in Chains, the Seattle-based grunge band, plays on the radio. The song has their signature melodic darkness and perfectly captures the feeling of the day. A fan of their music for years, on this day, driving through the ocean of gray, I know where the band got the inspiration for their sound.

I want out of this place. I want out of the clouds and pissing rain. I want warmth instead of the damp that fills my bones. I want sunshine. I want beauty. I do not want to feel so lonely/separate/dark.

But the clouds were not going anywhere that day.

And neither was I.

I don’t remember exactly what happened after that.

But I do know that eventually, the sun came out.

 

(If you’re curious about Alice In Chains, you can check them here. Yes, they have a dark tinge to them, somewhere inside us, don’t we all?)

 

Blog, Personal Life alice in chains, depression, seattle

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