Been waiting to see this article appear on Esquire.com since it showed up in my July issue. I loved it, Karin loved, I wanted to share it.
In “The Conversion of an Apathetic Driver”, Benjamin Alsup does a brilliant, funny job describing the awakening of a desire he did not even know he had.
The subtitle, “How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Audi A6” says it all.
When I talk to people about their desires, it never fails to surprise me just how difficult it is for people to dream. Somehow, instead of natural, fun, and yes, pragmatic (thoughts become things, remember?) place to put your awareness, dreaming became folly – an impractical waste of time – as in “it’s never going to happen anyway, so why fool myself?” Or dreaming became dangerous, in conflict with what the “good” people do (which is suffer and take their medicine, dammit).
I’d ask an old friend about his dreams. He would skirt the question, saying he had all he wanted. In fact, he had strong beliefs that wanting more, especially in a material sense, was wrong. I think he used the word “evil” a few times.
He drove a piece-of-shit Geo and in one breath would argue the merits of his cheap, no-frills ride, while in the next, complaining about the cost of the constant stream of repair bills it generated. Wouldn’t he prefer a nicer car – a more comfortable, reliable mode of transportation, I’d ask?
Oh, no. For him, there was a nobility in the suffering. He might have to hitch a ride every once in a while, but at least he wasn’t one of those a-holes in a fancy car that actually works well.
Certainly, cars may not have been his thing (but then again, how would he know as his beliefs about nice cars/money/people-who-drive-nice-cars/ never allowed him to even explore this territory?). But this was never really about cars, anyway. It was about the conditioning that teaches us to suppress our desires.
We are built to expand, to want more, to grow, to experience, to evolve. This does not mean that we need to gather more stuff, to find our identities in the labels (or lack thereof) on our clothing. It just means that it’s cooler to be open to what feels good rather than clinging to your ideas (or ideals) of what’s supposed to be good.
You might surprise yourself.
Who knows, maybe you’d drive an S6…
And here’s another link to Mr. Alsup’s great piece of writing… Check it out!
Reading your last couple entries, I wonder what your view on children is. Surely this would force some more structure, less “freedom” and ability to dream wildly and certainly lead to more conservative financial behavior. However it is fullfilling as it less about SELF. I myself do not have children so no angle here, just curious.
Hi Joe —
happy to engage in the conversation, though i’m exactly clear on what you are asking…
first, i do not have children either, but i think more about the possibility all the time. so how having children would affect my life, i cannot say. i am sure it would change things!
that said, i like to think that if i had a child, i would encourage them to dream… to notice what they felt drawn toward… and support them in their pursuit of that which feels good to them. i’d like to believe that i would see that child as his/her own person, not a reflection of ME (or my ego) whatsoever…
i also like to believe that if i were a father, i would up my game to live closer to the ideals i espouse. i would not talk about the importance of dreaming and connecting to that which feels good, i would model that behavior.
or something like that… 🙂
again, not sure if this addresses what you are curious about, but it’s what came out…
best,
d
My question is, how do you reconcile your philosopy of pursing one’s true desires, dreams, things that revolve around SELF with practicalities of life. It’s easy to attempt to ignore society’s constraints, traditional structures, and try to be true to one own’s true wants when no one else is involved. In your case your wife shares your philosophy, but what if a 3rd party (ie children) were involved. Would you still espouse the same degree of self reflection and pursuit of self interest if it came in conflict with well being of others? I’m not saying it always has to, but it certainly would come up. For example “I wish to lead a life of leisure and travel as long as my bank account allows” is not going to complement “I would like to provide for my family and am willing to sacrifice in order to do so.” These are opposing interests when it comes to the individual–ie serving one’s OWN interests vs. interest of others. It is oversimplified to say people sacrifice out of a sense of nobility in suffereing.
Children was an easy way for me to make this point, but it can relate to other parties as well.
okay Joe — I think I get your gist better…
>Would you still espouse the same degree of self reflection and pursuit of self interest if it came in conflict with well being of others?
Yes.
However, in your question, I would substitute “preferences” for “well being” of others…
No one else is responsible for my well being but me. Nor am I in charge of any one else’s well being. To think so is an illusion of the ego. A trap indeed.
I have written/spoken often that our purpose here is to be selfish in the pursuit of our desires. Yet, we’ve been conditioned to believe that “selfish” is a dirty word, and thus very often we never even examine what our desires truly are. It’s easier to stay small, quiet, and unsatisfied than to stand in the face of someone potentially being upset with you.
Finally, I believe that the notion that “if I pursue my happiness it may lead to unhappiness in others” is a common, limiting belief… Happy to say I have no resonance with it any more and so I do not see it show up in my life.
best,
drew
I want an Audi S6. It is funny that you are writing about them because I have been desiring…and maybe even lusting after one!
I all with you when you say: “No one else is responsible for my well being but me. Nor am I in charge of any one else’s well being. To think so is an illusion of the ego. A trap indeed.”
I like how Abraham-Hicks talks about realizing that you are no ones ” Source” of anything but your own. It is important to teach your children to be the source of their own happiness and experiences and also for me to not look to someone else to be the source of my happiness and fulfillment. In this way it is important to have your own desires and to know that you can have what you want AND everyone else can too!
Thanks for sharing like you do Drew!