A friend sent me a link to another blog whose author, Andy Wibbels, posted a semi-coherent screed on the movie The Secret. You can read his review here, but in short, Andy didn’t like it. His stance has attracted lots of attention — when I visited there were 142 comments and he’s branded himself as the “Secret Skeptic” will be holding a 30-day “Pepsi-Challenge” on LOA, presumably to test if this stuff works. Godspeed to those who join. I’ve got a pretty good sense folks will find what they look for.
I scanned through a few people’s responses to Andy’s piece – some agreed with his take, some were totally against it. Either way, you could feel the charged energy with which they were written. (While I obviously do not agree with Andy’s take, I applaud him for creating a marvelous topic for his blog traffic.)
For a split second, I thought about posting my thoughts. I could write a brilliant retort, and boy, with that show ‘em. I’d show ‘em all! I’m brilliant, I tell you! BRIIIIILLL-YAAAAAANT! I’ll throw the Ph.D. out there and kick some major-league-attraction-ass —
But the impulse faded as quickly as it came. And I clicked away. The same way I click away from the acerbic political media where the whole point of the show is for the host to denigrate and berate anyone who disagrees with his/her point of view (this is progress for me: fifteen years ago, my favorite TV show was CNN’s “Crossfire,” the program that did much to launch the rant genre).
I am pleased that I was able to disconnect from the charged conversation because I am a “know-it-all-in-recovery.” Yes, my friends, in my dark past, among my many vices, you could put “enamored with being right” near the top of the list. To be more exact, I should say that my ego loves to be right. I have fought countless bloody battles over the years to uphold my ego’s honor. Looking back, they all ended up in a similar fashion: even if you “win,” in the grander scheme of things, you really lose.
I possess the skills to be an excellent persuader. I’m smart, I’m verbal and I have the kind of personality that dominates most people when given a point to argue. In other words, I think I would have made an excellent defense attorney and I possess many of the requisite qualities to be an extraordinary asshole given the proper environment.
Unconsciously, I operated this way for most of my life. I think the light bulb of awareness went on during the formative years of my coaching practice. To give you some context, ten years ago I set off on my own with no business experience. I had never sold anything before, so selling myself (and the nebulous concept of “coaching”) proved to be a daunting challenge.
For the first few years of my business, I spent a lot of energy trying to convince people how great a coach I really was and what a powerful impact coaching could have on their life. I went to networking meetings, talked to any group that would have me, and I would even discount my fee if you’d just give me the opportunity to wow you.
I’d talk to anyone who would listen to me and I’d do just about anything it took to prove that what I had to sell was worthwhile. I hustled.
I looked up one day and I had 24 clients, all paying me quite well.
Success!
Yet all was not perfect. Sure, I had all these clients and I was making much more money than I had ever before in my life. But my behavior told a different story. At my lowest point, as soon as I finished talking with my first client of the day, I run outside and smoke a cigarette. I’d get on the phone again, finish the session, and then smoke another. Things felt so bad that I continually pondered leaving the profession to which I felt so strongly called.
Finally, I asked myself the question: Why was I unhappy when I had created what I wanted?
The answer was clear and simple: I did not like at least half the people I worked with. Many times the phone ringing filled me with the dread. I wanted nothing to do with many of the people who were paying me to coach them.
Looking deeper, I dreaded those conversations because the people on the other end of the phone were not looking to create a positive change in their lives. They were sitting there waiting for me to “do” something for them to make their lives better.
How did I create this?
Remember, I can be a strong persuader and I used those techniques to sell many of my clients on coaching. I didn’t knock people over the head with a hard-sell, but I used my subtle powers of manipulation to get people to say “yes” and write me a check. Getting them to say yes was far more important than whether I actually wanted to have a relationship with this person.
At the time, I had little awareness of what I was doing. In my mind was just being successful, because you measure your success by the number of clients you have, right?
The absolute truth was that I did not know if I could help people. I did not know if I could really make an impact on someone’s life. I really did not know that I was worth the money I was charging these people. And because I had so much doubt about what I was doing, my ego (aka The Persuader) picked up the ball and starting running with it. The Persuader got me all these clients and so these clients reflected the energy of the Persuader.
With these clients, every session I had operated under the dynamic that it was my job to persuade them that they held the power to change some aspect of their lives instead of just complaining. Every session I felt like the barking seal on stage that had to perform so my client would “get it.”
This exhausted me and so after every session, I’d go smoke a cigarette, anxious as to whether I had persuaded them just enough so they would not fire me.
When the epiphany occurred (I just bottomed out emotionally), I consciously stopped persuading people to hire me. With much work, I dismantled many of the fears (not being enough, not having enough, not being right) that had been operating as my default points of attraction. Free of that fear, I began trusting (yes, you have to trust, there’s no way around it) that the perfect people would show up if I put out a clear signal as to who I and what I am about.
Over time, yup, you guessed it. The right people began to show up. People I looked forward to speaking with. People who pay me much more than the old clients who needed to be persuaded. People who do not expect me to do all the work. People who resonate with the Law of Attraction, even if they are not that familiar with it. People who give me energy rather than drain my energy. People who make changes and see results without me having to "do" anything. People who get tremendous value from our work together.
I learned to stop trying to convince anyone of anything. The energy of convincing is borne out of fear – the fear that you are wrong. It is impossible for anything great to be created from the energy of fear.
Do you believe that the hoopla about the Law of Attraction perverts the word of Jesus the Christ Our Lord and Savior?
Fine.
Do you believe that the Law of Attraction is the zeitgeist for us hucksters to make a fast buck off the self-help junkies who are so gullible/desperate that they will pay for anything?
Fine.
Do you believe as Einstein did that "God does not play dice" and the universe is an organized place with rules and laws about the physics of experience and creation?
Fine. But you are also welcome over to my porch for a beautiful sunset, a cold beer, and some good conversation.
Very well written. I know that the law of attraction is always working, wheather we think so or not. It is not a law that we invoke as we desire, it works wheather we think about it or not. “As we think, so shall we be” and therefore we will attract what we think about.
I love how you explained how your ego was the driving force early in your coaching practice and how you became disenchanted with your clients and that you then realized to release your ego and work from your spirit. The results are wonderful! Feels so good to be you, doesn’t it?
Thank-you for sharing your story!
Geez Drew I really love reading your stuff. It gives me a bolt of reality every day. I check the blog link every day and always get a good shot in the arm.
This last article felt like it was written just for me – I have been edging my way to trusting in being me for so long. You had cigarettes and I had cancer to hit me over the head and wake up to what we really want. The place of trust is like floating in the ocean – it just feels good.
With respect to doubters and naysayers – it is so much more enjoyable to embrace the Law of Attraction than to criticise it. I am never going to give up so much fun!
Zoe
I think this movie is such a load of BS. I am surprised that Oprah fell for it. I thought she had more intellectual capacity than that. I am all for thinking positively, envisioning the reality you would like to have and aligning your will with something greater than yourself, but for me that is a far cry from thinking you have a guarantee of CREATING reality simply by thinking of it.
I am especially touchy on this subject because my sister has had MS for 17 years and had this “you create your own reality†belief when she got sick. She spent years feeling bad and guilty because her thoughts weren’t good enough to create health. It was really, really hard on her.
There are things you can change, and things you can’t. There are things you can make happen, and things you can’t. I think that realization is part of maturity.
This is why the Serenity prayer is so wise to me:
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.â€
It sure has generated a lot of discussion, hasn’t it? And you’re right, you’ll find in the 30 Day Pepsi Challenge what you’re looking for. And although I agree that the law of attraction is sound, we should be aware of issues like the person who just posted a comment above. And that’s what I like to discuss at my blog – and even on a conference call.
So, FYI, here’s some info that if you find helpful you are free to pass along. And you are welcome to attend!
~ The Law of Attraction ~
A Biblical Perspective and Discussion
Monday, February 26, 2007
10:00 to 10:30 P.M. (CST)
30 Minute Free Teleconference
w/ Optional Q&A to Follow
Hosted by Lyn Perry of Thought Renewal – A Self-Help Blog Built on a Christian Foundation
A limited number of dial-in lines are available. If you would like to participate, please register your interest by emailing me at lyngperry @ yahoo.com and I will email you the phone number, access code, and instructions.
Thanks! Lyn Perry
“Helping Others Help Themselves”
http://thoughtrenewal.blogspot.com
I agree with Mark and Zoe above. Very well written and I love reading your stuff. It definately gives me a positive perspective for the day.
My son is double majoring in Psychology and Criminal Law right now and believes he can change the world. I can only tell him that the salmon can only swim upstream so many times before they die. Not that one should go with the flow, but that a person needs to have that personal ‘Ah Ha” moment in order to see that the way to help themselves is to know themselves.
Thank you Drew for helping us all understand.
Wow! All I can say is, WOW! You hit it out of the park on this one. When I read about how you were tempted to post your thoughts because you knew you could really kick some ass and be right, I saw myself. I can’t tell you how many on-line slugfests I’ve gotten in, trying to prove to other people that they’re idiots, knocking down their ideas and thoughts one by one. Not to mention how I deal with people in the real world — same way. I always have to be right; always have to have the last word; always have to correct every little detail. Smug, defiant, and the smartest person in the room. Just ask me — I’ll tell you. Years ago I went on a blind date with a guy who taught law at a university. Part-way through dinner he asked if I had ever thought about being a lawyer, because from the way that I argued he thought I would make a great one. I realized later, when I never heard from him again, that he wasn’t complimenting me.
Thanks, Drew, for putting yourself out there and getting it exactly right.
This is the reason I put your blog-link on my homepage. I love your insight and appreciate your generosity and courage to share your journey.
When you do that I’m inspired and entertained!
Thanks, love, Z
well done , excellent article, you helped me thanks. I LOVE THE FEELING I HAVE WHEN THE NEGATIVE IS DROPPED AND MY MIND IS SO HONED.
Drew,
Great article and insight, especially on how it has impacted on your coaching. I went through the same thing of trying too hard and being out of alignment with myself. If it’s hurting, it AIN’T working! is now my motto.
And like your clients draining you, I have family members who do the same thing. But then I realised that my energy was always wanting to prove that I was right or that I knew best. My brother calls me “The Oracle” because he knows that he can ask me a question with my ability to remember stuff that doesn’t seem worth remembering, can tell him the answer.
Highly annoying and taxing.
And I’m clearing myself of the need to be right and persuade. It really is all about being happy and connected within. Harnessing my energy means not involving myself in tiring arguments which only wear me down and get me nowhere.
Insightful article. Vey interesting and great stuff for reading.
I am beginning to endeavour onto a journey of attracting all good things i deserve in life…